One thing I want to clarify from last weeks post on Facebook and Instagram when I shared how I’m becoming more authentic since leaving the LDS church. I’m not saying that Mormons aren’t authentic, I’m saying ME as a Mormon was not authentic.
Here’s why:
No longer do I feel forced to agree with something that doesn’t sit right with ME.
I was taught that I must follow and sustain the prophet no matter what.
I was taught that the prophet speaks for God, therefore would never lead us astray.
I was taught that obedience takes precedence over my own intuition.
So even as I was battling the different questions and doubts that came to my mind, I chalked it up to the influence of Satan.
Satan doesn’t want me to be happy.
Satan wants to deceive me.
Satan will feed me lies through my thoughts.
At the same time I’m told that I will be protected from Satan’s influence if I remain worthy of a temple recommend.
Follow the word of wisdom, attend church each week, partake of the sacrament and wear my sacred garments at all times. Magnify my callings, read my scriptures daily, and pray often.
I checked off ALL the boxes!
Dotted every “I” and crossed every “t”.
But still found myself consumed with confusion and internal torment.
If I had possession of the most TRUE book in the world, The Book of Mormon, then why wasn’t I resonating with any of it?
Why was I more drawn to books like, The Untethered Soul (Micheal Singer), Finding Your Own North Star (Martha Beck), and A New Earth (Eckhart Tolle)?
Conflicting beliefs would pop into my head, then I’d search the scriptures and pray my heart out trying to receive understanding for what was true and what was not. Nothing was making sense to me. I discovered contradiction after contradiction which only caused me to feel more confused. I never received clarity until I finally started allowing MYSELF to decide. Instead of looking outward I began looking inward. I let myself be FREE to believe what felt right to ME, not what the prophets and apostles were telling me I was SUPPOSED to believe.
As I began allowing myself to read books other than church approved books I noticed something happening inside me. My soul was coming alive, I was connecting deeply to everything I was reading, feeling more love, a greater understanding of my purpose, and a feeling of liberation and excitement for life.
I realized that I had been denying to true part of me, my inner being, my SOUL!
Wait, what? You thought you’d be protected from Satan’s influence if you remained worthy of a temple recommend. In my experience, I’d consider myself more of a target for being worthy of a temple recommend 😉 where’d you get that info???