Ep #122: Update on life after Mormonism

Today Sean and I wanted to share an update as far as where we are, mentally and emotionally as it pertains to our journey out of Mormonism.

This past year has been quite the whirlwind. I turned 40 and for some reason, along with that came a whole host of internal issues that came up for me. I was struggling with finding a purpose and positive outlook on life.

I was confused and overwhelmed by my own lack of beliefs and unanswered questions. There were so many things swirling around inside of me and I couldn’t make sense of any of it.  Felt like absolute chaos. 

At the same time I was becoming more tolerant of the Mormon beliefs. I didn’t feel as much anger and resentment around it all. Sean and I both stopped focusing on it and decided that we were done being “post Mormons”. We wanted to just be US. So me made a conscious decision to put our energy elsewhere. In that sense things felt great, but on the other hand I was plagued by my lack of purpose.

I was so worried of being deceived or brain washed that I became far too skeptical of everything. In my attempt to become more of a realist I had completely closed myself off from believing in anything.

My world became so black and white and I didn’t even realize that I had unintentionally blocked out all the beautiful colors. It’s as if I was trying to go back to my tiny “box” like home, and out of fear, began nailing all the  doors and windows shut in order to protect myself, believing that even the sun itself was a threat to me. 

It’s only been recently that I’ve allowed myself to believe in something again. Things like God, prayer, Jesus, and spirit. But I don’t believe in God, prayer, and Jesus as Mormons do and the way most religions do.

I would like to even use different terminology for these things because I don’t want to associate it with any kind of religious belief. But God for me is just source energy. The part of us that is one with everyone and everything. There is the human part of us, but then there is also the “being”. And that to me is God, and each of us come from that same source. It’s like God is the ocean and we are all part of it, each of us is a drop in the ocean. We think we are separate but that’s impossible. If we are a drop in the ocean then we ARE the ocean.

Prayer for me now is just a way to send out positive vibes of gratitude to the universe and also a way to ask for answers and guidance in my life. I want to believe that the universe responds to the requests we put out there. As I’ve allowed myself to pray again, of course it’s nothing like the Mormon prayers. I don’t get on my knees, I don’t address God or Jesus.  I simply think or say all the things I’m grateful for, then I ask for answers to questions in my heart. That has been a really cool thing for me to practice. I’ve noticed some awesome things and it really feels good to accept some of these things back into my life but in a much different way. 

And as far as Jesus goes. I still think of him as an important figure in history who taught us a lot of good things through his parables, wisdom, and example. I think a lot of what religions teach about Jesus is completely misunderstood, misused, and misinterpreted.  

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