Some guilt crept up in me the other day as I was remembering something I had yet to resolve in my mind. My goal is to be extra attentive each time a past memory or thought comes into my mind and it causes a low vibe emotion. I want to gather all the pieces to the story and see if I can rewrite it. 

I still hold guilt for Owen’s ear. Two reasons come to mind when I think about what may have caused his birth defect.

Let’s start with not calling it a birth defect, not that I necessarily want to pull the wool over my eyes and not recognize mistakes or consider how I could have done things differently, but what’s done is done and I can only move forward in the way I see it and describe it, I don’t want to project my mistakes onto Owen. So calling it a defect makes me feel like I’m describing him as not whole.

I will never gain with blame. I will only gain by honoring how the experience has contributed to my wakening of the dream we all find ourselves in.

It’s the nightmares that tend to wake us up. Then we SEE that the tiger chasing us is not even real. We wake up, safe in our beds, and recognize the peace around us. 

But even awakening from the dream is a cycle. We go back to sleep and we dream again. So it’s not like you have an awakening and suddenly you’re awake for the rest of your life. You go to sleep again, and you dream. But there is such thing as lucid dreaming, which I believe is the goal. To allow yourself to sleep and be immersed in the dream, but you KNOW you’re dreaming, therefore you don’t get so emotionally caught up in the dream. It becomes more fun and playful. 

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I remember back when I was really actively pursing my goal to grow my Instagram following. How much anxiety, stress, jealousy, and overwhelm I felt on a DAILY basis. 

Often times I would wish I could let it all go. I honestly felt trapped in my own mind about it. For so many reasons I thought letting go was not an option.

I thought… I’ve invested too much time and money into this, I can’t stop now.

Sometimes I would meet people that weren’t on social media at all. Some part of me judged them for trying to avoid the inevitable. Social media is a part of our lives now, either we reject it or embrace it. 

But mostly I felt envy. I desperately wanted to be FREE of the hold it had on me.

I would often imagine what it would feel like to just LIVE my life without the pressure of putting it all online. 

Some how some way, I finally broke free from the chains! I still post some things now and then, mostly to announce a new podcast episode or about how cute my cats are, but I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to finally let go of the belief that social media is my answer to success. 

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The other day I found myself TRIGGERED by something and wanted to share my process in coaching myself through it. 

Triggers can show us where our attention is needed. What is unresolved within our subconscious. 

It’s an opportunity for us to do an investigation and it can actually be a lot of fun. Like solving a mystery. You follow the breadcrumbs to find the source of your pain. 

When did this start? Describe in full detail the story you’ve been playing on repeat. It’s a chance to discover the parts of the story that were fabricated. What creative/ negative/ dramatic twist did yyour mind add to it?

Can you rewrite the story in a way that makes you feel more empowered? Now just practice this new narrative every time you are triggered and eventually it will naturally disolve. Because you become AWARE of the false story that it no longer has power over you.

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Our theme this year is Discover YOU in 2022 and I believe the best way to self discovery is through our EMOTIONS. As we get to know our feelings and where they are coming from, we get to know ourselves. 

We are always saying things like… “I didn’t like the vibe I got from that person… or… what a great vibe this place has… or… we just weren’t vibing with one another. I never really knew there was some scientific validity to the whole VIBE term…

Physicists explain that inside every atom is mostly empty space and what’s left is more like a vibrational frequency. 

Albert Einstein said, “Everything in life is vibration.”

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Little did I know that my initial breakdown/breakthrough would last almost 4 years before I began making sense of things and feeling put back together. The interesting thing though is that it really feels as if I’m putting pieces of myself together but not using any of the old pieces. 

Like putting a puzzle together that is completely blank. Every piece is just pure white, nothing on it, not even a spec of color. 

 Putting the pieces together gives me a sense of wholeness and a feeling of pure potentiality. You would think I’m describing emptiness, but really it’s such an exciting process to put this blank canvas together, because now I’m ready to create a masterpiece. With new shapes and colors I’ve never used before. 

I never realized that contribution is what gives us purpose. I really had to question my intensions over the years. In the beginning of my blogging endeavors. I think deep down I knew it wasn’t coming from a pure desire to contribute. It was tainted by my insecurities and need to prove myself. So I carried subtle shame and always felt defensive about my intentions behind it all.

The clarity I have now is unreal. It reminds me of when I first got to Germany where I served my 18 month Mormon mission. 

Before I got to Germany I spent 2 months intensively learning and studying the language. On the plane ride to Germany I remember how confident I felt in my ability to communicate in German.

I was quickly humbled and discovered I hadn’t even scratched the surface. I didn’t understand a WORD of German. I remember thinking, there is no way I will ever be able to understand or speak this language. I couldn’t make sense of any of it.

And one day (a year later) I realized I understood it all perfectly. It was a gradual process but eventually the impossible became possible. 

This is how I would compare my spiritual growth over the past couple of years. I’ve been rereading some of the books that were way over my head the first time, felt like I was reading another language. But now I’m understanding them so clearly. It’s all making perfect sense and it’s such a cool realization. 

Serves as a reminder for me to keep trying, keep learning, teaching, writing, sharing, and coaching. THIS is my path and my purpose.

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