Over the break I tried something new…

I made a goal to go an entire week without reading books or consuming content via podcasts, audible, and YouTube.

I know this seems like a silly goal, but one thing I realized is that I have an addiction to seeking answers outside of myself.

I’ve identified where my addiction to information began and I believe it started when I was a child. Growing up we moved a lot, and I changed schools about every 6 months for a while. Because I always felt behind in school I thought I wasn’t smart.

Catching up to everyone academically has been a way of life for me. I’ve felt a lot of pressure to work harder and longer than everyone else just to keep up.

Going without consuming books and podcasts for a week brought my fear of missing out to the surface. I fear missing out on life and opportunities because of my belief that I’m at a deficit.

Our motto this year is to DISCOVER YOU IN 2022, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, one layer at a time.

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I believe we are all vulnerable to unhealthy cult like structures. They come in many forms. Not all cults are necessarily bad, but in my opinion, many of them have unhealthy practices that can lead us down a path of even more separation rather than community.

In this episode I explain how I’ve been influenced by cult like structures in ways that has caused me so much confusion about my path and purpose.

One of my biggest takeaways from participating in “cults” is that I don’t want to be an imitator, I want to be an innovator.

Sometimes cults can create uniformity rather than individuality.

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There’s no doubt Sean has achieved tremendous success in which I’m so grateful for, proud of, and inspired by. But admittedly, there has been a part of me that resents his success when I compare myself to him.

I’ve spent over a decade trying to build the same kind of success, but in my own unique way. In some ways I’m very proud of what I’ve created over the years, but when I compare myself to Sean I come up with all kinds of reasons why he’s just better than me.

My mind spirals into victim mentality, poor me stories, and  multiple reasons why I haven’t been able to succeed the way he has.

In this episode I share more thoughts and lessons learned when it comes to collaborating, co-creating, and soul-creating.

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Explaining where I’ve been the past few weeks.

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Our motto this year is really been about letting go and letting it flow. So this week on the podcast I wanted to elaborate more on that topic since I feel that has been such a big part of our experience lately. 2020 has really turned out to be a gift in many ways. Mostly because it has presented us with the opportunity to practice our “letting go” muscle. 

It’s been one of those huge letting go lessons that has yet again turned out to be the catalyst for receiving MORE. It’s one of the benefits of allowing things to flow instead of gripping so tightly to results, expectations, and outcomes. Many of us have a strong hold on what the outcome SHOULD be in any given situation. And if it doesn’t go the way we hope then it leaves us feeling discouraged and sorely disappointed. 

We are taught at a young age, that if you believe then you can achieve. But there’s the fine print that I never even considered before. There have been many times in my life when I BELIEVED. But things didn’t happen the way I wanted which always left me wondering, WHY? 

Did I not believe enough? Do I not deserve it? Am I not worthy of it?

What I didn’t realize is that I was believing in the wrong thing. Instead of believing it would happen the way my limited perspective wanted it to happen, I needed to believe that my deepest desires are at play. Desires that I may not even be aware of yet. It’s a part of me that is still unknown, the unrealized aspect of me that is manifesting the magic. 

It’s the part that has the power to manifest what is truly wanted, at a deep soul level. So it’s more like getting into a space of believing that what ever the outcome, what ever happens, it’s all happening for me and for my greatest benefit. Beneath all the superficial, impatient, human minded desires. It’s much deeper, and much more gratifying. So trusting in that can be extremely empowering. 

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Today Sean and I wanted to share an update as far as where we are, mentally and emotionally as it pertains to our journey out of Mormonism.

This past year has been quite the whirlwind. I turned 40 and for some reason, along with that came a whole host of internal issues that came up for me. I was struggling with finding a purpose and positive outlook on life.

I was confused and overwhelmed by my own lack of beliefs and unanswered questions. There were so many things swirling around inside of me and I couldn’t make sense of any of it.  Felt like absolute chaos. 

At the same time I was becoming more tolerant of the Mormon beliefs. I didn’t feel as much anger and resentment around it all. Sean and I both stopped focusing on it and decided that we were done being “post Mormons”. We wanted to just be US. So me made a conscious decision to put our energy elsewhere. In that sense things felt great, but on the other hand I was plagued by my lack of purpose.

I was so worried of being deceived or brain washed that I became far too skeptical of everything. In my attempt to become more of a realist I had completely closed myself off from believing in anything.

My world became so black and white and I didn’t even realize that I had unintentionally blocked out all the beautiful colors. It’s as if I was trying to go back to my tiny “box” like home, and out of fear, began nailing all the  doors and windows shut in order to protect myself, believing that even the sun itself was a threat to me. 

It’s only been recently that I’ve allowed myself to believe in something again. Things like God, prayer, Jesus, and spirit. But I don’t believe in God, prayer, and Jesus as Mormons do and the way most religions do.

I would like to even use different terminology for these things because I don’t want to associate it with any kind of religious belief. But God for me is just source energy. The part of us that is one with everyone and everything. There is the human part of us, but then there is also the “being”. And that to me is God, and each of us come from that same source. It’s like God is the ocean and we are all part of it, each of us is a drop in the ocean. We think we are separate but that’s impossible. If we are a drop in the ocean then we ARE the ocean.

Prayer for me now is just a way to send out positive vibes of gratitude to the universe and also a way to ask for answers and guidance in my life. I want to believe that the universe responds to the requests we put out there. As I’ve allowed myself to pray again, of course it’s nothing like the Mormon prayers. I don’t get on my knees, I don’t address God or Jesus.  I simply think or say all the things I’m grateful for, then I ask for answers to questions in my heart. That has been a really cool thing for me to practice. I’ve noticed some awesome things and it really feels good to accept some of these things back into my life but in a much different way. 

And as far as Jesus goes. I still think of him as an important figure in history who taught us a lot of good things through his parables, wisdom, and example. I think a lot of what religions teach about Jesus is completely misunderstood, misused, and misinterpreted.  

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